why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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