Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
