Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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