what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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