So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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