I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
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