i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
