god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Randomize
