life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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