She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
There's always time for handjobs
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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