hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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