I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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