I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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