So drunk its hurt
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
