Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
