party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
