Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
