i can't believe i had my finger in that
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
