I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
