tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
