my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
