I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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