Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
