She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
