I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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