The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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