The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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