Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
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