ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
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