believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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