hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
