You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
