Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
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