I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
