i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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