It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
