bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
