I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
