god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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