dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
