i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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