Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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