bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
