i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
