I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
