My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.