i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home