Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.