he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
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did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
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I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof