no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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