I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
