Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
