Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Randomize
