i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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