my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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