Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
