just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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