Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
