Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
