Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
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I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
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I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
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