I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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