Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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