I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
We are all done wearing pants today
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Randomize
