Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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